lately i met a person who has a privilege to be a kid all the time…to dream, to act impulsively all the time, not to think about his actions…a long time ago i was like that too and i envy that person…but it won’t pass a lot of time when he’ll get burnt like me and stop being like that…maybe it’s life or maybe it’s just part of growing up…

well to follow the title, i started asking myself if maybe i don’t see some things as they are…i’m scared that i started to think logic and that’s not like me because when it’s up to thinking i think with my feeling more then with my brain…and now it’s not like that, now everything has to make sense…i don’t want to grow up yet…   the title doesn’t make any sense even now does it…?

-i would defeat it…

-and what if you’re not strong enough?

-i would call all of my friends…

-and what if your friends say they don’t want to help you?

-they would help me,they would never say no…

-are you sure?

-yes,i’m sure…

-but what if they say no?what if they refuse?

-they won’t!

-do you have any friends?do you have anyone?

-…

-you know that the monster would kill you then…you know that you would die…

and through the hell

i blamed myself

for being too much like someone i’m not

for making things i thought they were right

for getting rotten in this shell of fake

i cried and i yelled

where is my angel to protect me from my regrets…?

i lied,i stole and i cheated,

i loved,i helped and i sacrificed.

everything i did…i did it for love,

i loved too much and i hated too little,

but you sent me an angel,

and i refused to keep him

and thru all sins that trapped my soul

(that i’m not sure i even had)

i ended in front of two doors,

two mirrors that were my reflexions,

my parts that i pressed deep down,

and i had to choose,

and i choosed not to choose.

DEATH…interesting subject to talk or write about because everyone has each own  picture and meaning of death…some people would say you go to heaven or hell,the other one would say you  reborn,and some would say you just die  and  become one with the ground…REINCARNATION  was  my believe few years ago…why? i don’t know…i guess i liked that option the most…the idea that life is like a movie track and when we get to the end we start all thing over again…and that explained deja vu…but few years later i just accept the fact that we are all going to die and it’s not important what is going to happen then…i almost forgot about the quote…while i was reading the book i named earlier,and finally read it,i realized something…the main character in the book is called veronika and she wants to kill her self,BUT when she founds out that she is ill and that she is going to die soon anyway something is changed…she starts to LIVE her life…that is the problem with people,they think they are going to live forever and they realized they’re wrong when someone puts a big sign in front of them which says: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE…of course i mean in metaphorical way…so my conclusion is next PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF DEATH THEY CAN’T CONTROL…the slow and the natural one,because you can’t tell when it’s going to just pass by you and when it’s going to grab you with it’s cold skeleton hands…

my biggest problem in all this is that i always get too close to people,and they get too close to me,so when it’s time to ”say goodbye” i can’t do it…personaly,i hate letting people go…if it was up to me i would keep all my friends in a box-old ones,new ones…every last one…but it’s not up to me,because that’s how things work out:you lose one and you get another,like toys…now,i got to a point where i have no one to lose and don’t know how to get new ones…maybe i’m too lazy for that…:)…but that’s not the point of all this,the point is that long time ago i lost a very dear friend of mine,by my mistake of course…in that time i thought that that was the only way,to ”say goodbye” and when i realized that it was a stupid mistake it was to late…maybe i’m wrong but i think i’ll regret it for the rest of my life…because true friends leave last…the saddest thing of all is  not being involved  in  his life…i can’t  enjoy in his happiness,or cry with him in his sadness,or worrying with him about his problems,trying to help him-that’s the point of friendship…sometimes there is no coming back…

”it seems it’s written…

…but we can’t read between the lines”

the world behind the scene

they’ve dispel the actors and  removed  the curtains

just to show me the paradise of your mind

just to show me how it could be

darkness becomes lightness

hate becomes love

war becomes peace

black becomes white

nothing becomes everything

everything is changed

but you are still alone

with you eyes closed

and lights turned off

and nothing is happenning

just you and your thoughts

…n0thing…